God’s Oscar Plan: Get Matty the Gold!
March 3, 2014

Matthew McConaughey thanked God for his Oscar, and attributed the “blessing” to actions of “no human hand”.

This was all part of God’s plan for him, see? You can see it, plain as day, if you think about it. It’s a pretty long term effort, all in all. Over 30 years of step by step manipulation to get his pal Matt that much deserved Oscar.  Here’s how I think it might have gone:

1) G gets crafty with it, creating HIV, a virus capable of crippling the human immune system and leading to AIDS, a condition where one’s collapsed immune response leaves him or her vulnerable to even the mildest infection.

2) Now for the dirty work.  Infect humanity with the virus, and confound efforts for a cure.  This part takes the most attention and effort, but hey, if it gets Matt that statue, it’ll all be worth it.

3) Take Plan Matty Gold to the next level! Allow pharmaceutical corporations to use their vast wealth to control the US’ Food and Drug Administration, keeping dying patients from exploring medicines which don’t line their pockets with cash. BOOYAH!

4) It’s all starting to come together now, bitches!  Because of the aggressive pursuit of the FDA, “Buyers Clubs” attempting to get unapproved medications into the hands of patients will collapse.

5) Hard part’s over! Big G on the home stretch. Simply wait around while over 30 million people are killed worldwide.

6) Give the idea of making a film about AIDS Buyers Clubs to certain filmmakers, and make sure the film gets made.  Easy peasy for the guy who came up with things like skin lesions.

7) Ensure the casting of My Boy Matthew.

8) Presto! Give that man his Little Gold Statue and DO THAT HAPPY DANCE!

Alright, alright, alright!  Not a human hand to be found in any of it.  God’s in the house and all is right with the world!

Congrats, Matt!

-JDC

Argentine Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio chosen as Pope
March 13, 2013

Today, Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio, a Jesuit from Argentina, was selected as the new Pope, taking the name Francis I.  He succeeds retired pontif Pope Benedict XVI, aka Joseph Ratzinger.

We all know about the constant scandal the Church has been mired in with Benedict, who organized the cover-up of child rape worldwide, and we can only assume this will continue with Francis.  At least until the Catholic Church starts turning priests involved with child rape over to authorities.  In addition to this, the end of the cover up of child rape, I think there are several things people with any sense would like to see from the new Pope of the Catholic Church:

1. End Priests’ Vow of Celibacy.  Let’s face it: this was always a bad idea, and is a huge part of the problem.  Let Priests marry, let them have relationships, let them have sex with men, women, ANYONE except the children in their care.

Prospects: Pope Francis is a JESUIT.  Their order takes a vow of celibacy of their own, and he is unlikely to suddenly feel it is a bad idea at age 76.  Nope, this one is not going to happen under this Pope, so Catholic kids remain at heightened risk.

2. Integrate Women into the Priesthood.  The Church seriously needs to join us in the 21st century and take this step to end their millennia of discrimination against and repression of women and start letting women join the men in leadership.  I know the book of Timothy expressly forbids it, but come on, they’ve found their way to reinterpret and work around other Biblical goofs and they can do it again.

Prospects: Ah, no. Not happening.  Jesuits are a very traditional order, and no way in hell Francis is letting this happen on his watch.  Sorry, ladies!  Of course, if you’re a woman still in the Church, you’re blind to the way they’re treating you anyway, so…no harm done.

3. Stop Condemning the Use of Birth Control.  Not only is this just a backward way of thinking, it’s done incredible harm worldwide, keeping masses of people in poverty and dying of hunger, as well as propagating the deadly AIDS virus.  In Africa alone, this aspect of the Church is, in my mind, tantamount to acts of genocide.

Prospects: Dismal and dismaller. Francis has campaigned against the use of birth control himself.  He is, ironically,  lauded as a champion of the poor, while this key stance is a deadly attack against them. And keep reading, it only gets worse from here…

4. Stop the Church’s Anti-Gay Stance.  Again, join us in the 21st century, where LGBTs are people and deserve to be treated with the same respect and love as the rest of us.

Prospects: No fucking chance.  Francis has campaigned against gay marriage, saying it will “injure the family”, against adoption of children by gay parents (the irony of which, a Catholic protecting children from supposed immorality, is so ironic it smacks you right in the face with irony), on the basis that it would “deprive them of the human growth that God wanted them given by a mother and a father”.  Right, because they’re getting so much human growth in the orphanage with no parents at all.  Genius.  Basically, this guy is a one man anti-gay army.

Sorry, folks, but it doesn’t look like the new Pope is any better for the woes of the Vatican than the old Pope.  It’s the old Popemobile Shell Game, where you keep the audience distracted while you shuffle things around and hope they never notice the bait and switch you pulled, resulting in no change at all.

Only the names have been changed to protect the guilty.