God’s Oscar Plan: Get Matty the Gold!
March 3, 2014

Matthew McConaughey thanked God for his Oscar, and attributed the “blessing” to actions of “no human hand”.

This was all part of God’s plan for him, see? You can see it, plain as day, if you think about it. It’s a pretty long term effort, all in all. Over 30 years of step by step manipulation to get his pal Matt that much deserved Oscar.  Here’s how I think it might have gone:

1) G gets crafty with it, creating HIV, a virus capable of crippling the human immune system and leading to AIDS, a condition where one’s collapsed immune response leaves him or her vulnerable to even the mildest infection.

2) Now for the dirty work.  Infect humanity with the virus, and confound efforts for a cure.  This part takes the most attention and effort, but hey, if it gets Matt that statue, it’ll all be worth it.

3) Take Plan Matty Gold to the next level! Allow pharmaceutical corporations to use their vast wealth to control the US’ Food and Drug Administration, keeping dying patients from exploring medicines which don’t line their pockets with cash. BOOYAH!

4) It’s all starting to come together now, bitches!  Because of the aggressive pursuit of the FDA, “Buyers Clubs” attempting to get unapproved medications into the hands of patients will collapse.

5) Hard part’s over! Big G on the home stretch. Simply wait around while over 30 million people are killed worldwide.

6) Give the idea of making a film about AIDS Buyers Clubs to certain filmmakers, and make sure the film gets made.  Easy peasy for the guy who came up with things like skin lesions.

7) Ensure the casting of My Boy Matthew.

8) Presto! Give that man his Little Gold Statue and DO THAT HAPPY DANCE!

Alright, alright, alright!  Not a human hand to be found in any of it.  God’s in the house and all is right with the world!

Congrats, Matt!

-JDC

Advertisements

Quote: Woody Allen
February 26, 2012

Not only is there no god, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

Quote: Jim Crawford
February 24, 2012

Man has always required an explanation for all of those things in the world he did not understand. If an explanation was not available, he created one.

Quote: Unknown
February 15, 2012

Doesn`t it bother you that you put more logical thought into choosing a car than you do in choosing a god?

Quote: Steve Buscemi
February 3, 2012

What’s ‘God’? Well, you know, when you want something really bad and you close your eyes and you wish for it? God’s the guy that ignores you.

How the New England Patriots Saved the World
January 15, 2012

Lord knows, I love me some football.

I love the gridiron, I thrill to the long bomb, my pulse pounds with every touchdown, and despite my beliefs (or lack thereof) I’ve said more than my share of Hail Marys.

But even I, who pray at the Church of the Pigskin devoutly every Sunday, never saw the game in the light of those who worship football’s latest idol, Tim Tebow.

You know the image by now: Denver Broncos quarterback Tebow, before, during, and after every game, down on one knee, black stripe under each eye stenciled with the numbers 3:16, praying to his God before one and all.

And so what? What’s wrong with that? We are each of us endowed by our creator, and all that. Why shouldn’t he believe what he wants to believe, and pray to whom he wishes to pray, you may ask. And you’d be perfectly right to ask just that.

Except that Tebow, and his fans, don’t just believe in God. No. They believe God is *influencing the outcome of the game.* Get down on your knee and the Holy Fix is in, Tebow Time will come on God’s command, and all he will do, all he ever does, is win.

This week, a poll found 42% of Americans believe that God is behind Tebow’s success on the football field. Nearly half of all of us. Drink that in for just a moment. If you don’t believe it, the person next to you does.

God is purportedly the creator of the entire universe, which contains billions of galaxies and (potentially) a number of habitable worlds too numerous to count. But let’s leave that aside. He created our world, with its billions of human inhabitants, all races, all cultures, every man, woman, and child. And we’re not all of us sitting comfortably in air conditioned and heated domed stadiums, eating hot dogs and drinking a frosty beverage. People are starving to death in the streets. People are slaughtered wholesale for what they believe, the land where they live, the precious stones under the ground, the color of their skin. Babies are stillborn. Women are systematically raped and mutilated. Children die of cancer, or are born with birth defects, or AIDS.

Now, none of this invalidates the existence of God. He could still have created this world, where each person has the freedom to choose their own path, as long as they know that in the end, when at last they reach their destiny, they will answer for those choices before him, and be punished or rewarded as they deserve.

But what Tebow and the 42 percenters would have us accept is not that world, but a world in which God allows all of the above to go on with one hand, but with the other he helps Tim Tebow win a game. If you believe these are God’s priorities, you believe in a world wholly beyond reason. The God of that world is a monster, and that world is HELL.

Tim Tebow cannot be right.

For the sake of us all, and all our sanity and well being, Tebow must be wrong. And so it was that I watched my beloved game in such joy as I can’t begin to describe, as the New England Patriots racked up point after rapturous point, garnering unto themselves a victory, not for them…well, not ONLY for them…but for us all.

The world is a better place this morning, because outcomes are decided not by an invisible hand, but by the hands and feet and powerful forms of those men on the field. And we can all rest easy knowing that Tebow Time, if and when it comes, will come solely at the command of Tim Tebow himself.

My guess? Next season.


January 8, 2012

We must question the story logic of having an all-knowing all-powerful God, who creates faulty Humans, and then blames them for his own mistakes.

Gene Roddenberry

Book Review: God Is Not Great, Christopher Hitchens, 2007
December 21, 2011

Given the author’s unfortunate passing only days ago, the temptation to write a review overflowing with praise is one I shall have to resist. It is only fair that I confess that I also agree wholeheartedly with his core atheist beliefs, so that may generate bias as well, but there you are.

This book is not merely an argument for atheism, or against theism (or deism), it takes the case much further than that. As the subtitle makes clear (“How Religion Poisons Everything”) Hitchens intends to demonstrate that belief itself is dangerous. Religion, he contends, has done harm both to individuals and society itself wherever and whenever it is practiced.

That’s a bold claim, encompassing as it does all of (recorded) human history and the entire worldwide spectrum of faiths. Hitchens makes a surprisingly effective effort, taking you all over the globe through his eyes as a journalist, and through history via his extensive study of philosophical and religious texts.

As for readability, the book varies. The book is at its strongest when Hitchens relates his own experiences. It is filled with riveting anecdotes from war-torn regions and harrowing times. However, when discussing ancient tomes or turning to classical knowledge from antiquity, Hitchens can be somewhat didactic, and I found these passages harder to wade through.

Overall, though Hitchens makes strong points, I think he fails to make his overall case, that it is religion itself that is at fault for every one of the woes he brings up, and not simple human greed or ambition. His erudition and intelligence are everywhere on display, though, and it is a pleasure to see the world through his keen eyes.

Hitchens’ brilliant mind is now sadly lost to us, and though neither he nor his work were perfect, I highly recommend giving it a read to expose yourself to his passion and searching intellect.


December 20, 2011

The Old Testament is the rich, drunk uncle of Christianity. They want to turn to it when they need something but distance themselves from it when it embarrasses them.

J. David Clarke

Yes. YES!
November 26, 2011

Obama’s Thanksgiving Speech